


A Friend in Need

by Walang_Tinta



Series: Welcome to Mobile Legends! [5]
Category: Mobile Legends: Bang Bang (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Not Beta Read, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-07 22:41:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20983583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Walang_Tinta/pseuds/Walang_Tinta
Summary: "How can we help you Claude?" Alucard asked, he brushed a hand against Claude's hair. "Dexter would be so lonely..."Granger took a deep breath, he swallowed to ease his throat from all the shouting.He sighed then stood up."I don't know what to do then..."





	A Friend in Need

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while since i did something non-romance. I haven't done comedy in along time, so I might be a bit rusty.

Alucard and Granger were in a predicament, their target got away, again. For the fifth time today. Granted they're not used to a human target so it's harder than expected. How clever of him to lead them all the way to the dead end of the alley and he disappeared, only leaving this strange image of a smiling monkey. Alucard was losing his patience, but he's more worried for his partner since the odds of him taking out his annoyance towards the public property of this small town was inevitable. He called Granger's attention, who was currently brooding next to the garbage disposal in the small alley.

"Well, you face him all the time right? So this should be easy."

"Too many times, and don't underestimate him."

Alucard stepped aside when Granger went in front of him, Granger even purposefully stepped on his foot while he did so. Alucard hit Granger's scapula with the side of his hand in retaliation. 

"Come on, don't be petty."

"Bruno lied." Granger reloaded his gun. Six bullets in. Six shells out. 

"He said we're hunting for an S grade demon. I even attended a mass this morning to prepare myself." 

"You didn't know he was joking at the time?" 

Granger didn't answer, not even an annoyed grunt was heard. Goddamn, Alucard could've sworn he heard Granger's pride pummel to the ground from here. 

Alucard shrugged and he let his duffel bag fall on the ground. He stretched his back, it was ridiculously heavy and Granger's a prick for forcing him to carry it. It's probably even heavier than the cross Jesus carried. It was filled to the brim with every trinket you can find in a church, every version of the bible, a dozen rosaries of various sizes, ten bottles of holy water, a vial of holy wine, a ziplock containing a bundle of freshly baked holy bread. Heck there's even more paraphernalia in there he couldn't name since Granger placed them there himself. It's a freaking portable ambry. 

Granger tapped his foot against the pavement, playing an impatient beat. 

"Look, let's just get this over with, we'll kill Claude first, then we'll kill Bruno for wasting my time." He paused and he look the ground. "And I'll go to a confessional later after either one of them is dead."

That's not an exaggeration at all, Granger will honestly do those things. Alucard coughed, thinking of a way to placate him. 

"How about we just catch Claude so you don't have to go to the confessional?" 

Granger looked to the sky, asking the Lord for guidance, then finally back to his fellow demon hunter that he considered inferior to him. 

"Fair enough." Granger hefted his gun and ambled his way towards the end of the alley. The monkey apparition stood there like a save point in an RPG game. 

Granger stood in front of the hologram, and he shot three bullets against it for some reason, not even an intangible object was safe from Granger it seems. Alucard wondered how the heck Claude was still alive, Claude was either too good at escaping or Granger was losing his touch, probably the latter. 

Alucard walked towards Granger this time, experience told him this is the safest time to approach him and not risk a bullet shot to any vital parts of his body seeing how occupied he was. 

He patted Granger's arm, testing the waters. "What are you doing?" 

"Waiting for the idiot to return." Granger was immovable. "I don't know how he does it, but wherever this monkey is he'll appear. It's... It's kinda like an apparition thing but he's not a saint."

"I see." Alucard nodded like a kindergarten teacher, very understanding of a child's eccentricities, he is more than used to Granger's quirks about the church. He lived it with it. 

Then a bright light blasted in front of them, Alucard squinted his eyes and he's not surprised to hear violent noises in front of him. 

"JESUS! THAT HURT GRANGER YOU ASSHOLE!"

* * *

"You're a wimp." Granger muttered wryly, how blunt of him, uncaring of his victim's injuries and feelings. 

"Your violin case hurts, okay? Maybe I should hit _you_ with it?" 

So it turns out the noises that Alucard heard earlier was the whacking of Granger's violin case against Claude's head. Granted this was the first time this has happened, so he assumed the noises were from Granger's gun. He never heard that noise before. 

"Why didn't you shoot him?" Alucard asked, perplexed at Granger's show of mercy. 

Granger sighed and he glared at Dexter tending to the tender lump on Claude's head. Dexter too glared at him, the stinky eye was unnecessary though. 

"The monkey was in the way, I couldn't do it."

"Who's the wimp now." Claude's smug smile was closely imitated by his partner. Alucard would assume them to be literal brothers at the resemblance. 

"PETA is an entirely different beast." Granger replied. 

Claude's smile became bitter. "Oh, you don't know _how much_, pal. " 

Alucard smiled at them, finally Granger has a new friend! Sort of! 

He went ahead of Granger, Claude tilted his head, Alucard was momentarily surprised at how calm Claude was. He tossed that wonderment aside, he took the handcuffs from his coat, then he knelt in front of Claude and cuffed his hands. 

"We'll be taking you to jail now, Claude." Alucard then locked the handcuffs, putting an end to Granger and Claude's short lived 'friendship'. 

"What's the monkey doing?" He heard Granger utter. 

Alucard turned around and saw Dexter rummaging through the duffel bag. He laughed at the kleptomaniac monkey. 

"You won't find any gold in there buddy!" Then his smile washed away, remembered that the trinkets in that duffel bag were rare valuables, and in hindsight it was a stupid idea to carry a bag of priceless delicate monastery antiques on foot in this crime ridden town. 

"Hold it right there!" Alucard abruptly stood up, conveniently forgetting the culprit he just arrested. 

"You're gullible!" Claude laughed, he used the gun on his forearm and easily destroyed the handcuffs. He ran towards the bag, outrunning Alucard and Alucard found the translucent monkey right in front of him again. Dammit! 

Gunshots was heard, then strange zapping noises followed. Alucard was unperturbed and he took out his demon hunter sword from its hilt, he saw both Granger and Claude staring at each other down, guns were aimed and ready to be fired. Alucard wondered how he can exactly fit a sword by into a gun fight. 

"I've been too lenient with you." Granger sighed and he cocked his gun, aimed it point blank at Claude's head. 

Claude snickered and he raised his hands, the duffel bag rested against his legs, and Dexter sat on his shoulders. "Rest easy man, I'll forget about filing assault and battery against you guys if you give me this to me."

"That's swindling if we give this to you, so it's counter-intuitive since it'll only double the lawsuit against us."

"...What?" Alucard was bewildered, this word blabber was no different from Granger chanting random Latin shit at night. 

Claude frowned. "Wait... You can't file a lawsuit against yourself, even if you commited fraud when I take this bag under the promise of no lawsuit to be filed against me, no one's exactly here to sue you..." 

"Well it depends on which region we–"

"What's with this lawyer lingo?! You two are speaking bullshit now!" Alucard screamed.

Both gunmen stared at the swordsman, and Alucard felt even more out of place. He squirmed at the combined power of their confused stares. 

Granger sighed. 

"Nevermind."

Without much ado, he shot the bag, just a few millimeters more to the top, he would've shot Claude's crotch. 

"Hey that's cheating!" Claude screamed, he couldn't move, too shocked to do so. Then a burst of water sprouted from the bag. Claude's eyes widened. "That's not me!" 

Granger's eyebrows quirked. "Fuck, I remembered I put Alucard's laptop In there." 

This time Alucard's eyes widened. "What?! Why?! What else did you put in it?!"

"Your lucky jacket, I was supposed to use it in a reenactment of the 'Binding of Isaac' with Harith later tonight." 

"Granger!" 

"I... I don't feel so good..." They heard Claude's frail voice, they ignored him, thinking he was acting again like before. 

"Relax, I'm not gonna do anything to the jacket." Granger paused. "Well, I dunno if holy water can bleach the color though."

"You prick...!" Alucard marched towards Granger, each step heavy on the stone pavement, his sword finally has a purpose, thirsting for a particular musician's blood on its blades. 

...! 

A scream. A scream of a demon. Both Demon Hunters turned became alert at the familiar sound and they faced the source. 

A constant upward stream of smoke wafted from Claude, his lower legs was doused in water, an inhuman scream erupted from his mouth and he landed on his knees, his head was lowered against the stone pavement, his body was quivering against the humid air, he retched, a mix of vomit and blood. His mouth began to froth and a strange voice left his mouth, speaking strange words. Red markings appeared on his back, his veins moved on their own and Claude moaned in pain. Meanwhile, Dexter patted Claude's hair, and It was a sad sight to see Dexter trying to ease Claude's suffering. 

"It's been a long time since I've seen this..." Alucard was in awe, demons appearing outside the regions of the moniyan empire was uncommon. 

Granger nodded in reply, wordlessly he walked towards his on and off rival, once he stood in front of the mass of quivering, shaking flesh that is Claude, Dexter aimed his tear filled face towards Granger, but Granger ignored him. 

Granger patted the side of Claude's head with the sole of his shoe. "You're better off dead." 

Without hesitation, Granger stomped on Claude's skull.

And without hesitation, Dexter bit the inside of Granger's thigh. 

* * *

"Claude you're awake? Do you need coffee?" 

Claude woke, but immediately shut his eyes at the brightness. Where was he? Was he dead? Who was this guy...? Alutard? Alufeed? That's what Granger calls this blonde anyways. 

"I'm not a coffee person..." Clause replied, his groggy voice revealed his fatigue. 

"Oh, well, I can get Granger to play a song on his violin for you if you wanna." 

"I'd rather die in my sleep, Thanks." Claude began to dissociate himself, waiting for the sweet release of death. He can feel it...

"Cut the crap Claude." Granger flicked a finger on Claude's nose. Claude groaned, really annoyed now. Is there a day that Granger is not on his period? 

"Fine." Claude opened his eyes, and he gaped at the polish and exquisiteness of the living room. Taken right out of a magazine, it had open windows, and most of the furniture was made from wood. The living room and dining room and kitchen are all in one open area. He knows in the living room right now, the 64 inch LED TV was distracting enough. He wondered now how much money Demon Hunters earn and maybe after this is over, he can borrow a few things or two. 

He's mostly shocked that he's bound to a chair though. 

"H-Hey, I know I steal things but it doesn't warrant this!" Claude gulped, leather belts restrained him to the chair like vines, his body stuck to the chair like moss. He moved a bit, and he wouldn't be surprised if the chair itself was attached to the floor. 

He swallowed his gasp when he realized his gun wasn't on his arm, he felt his skin crawl when he felt he's wearing a different set of clothes. And it's friggin white, it's not even his color! Can't they make it blue or green at least!? What happened?! Why did this happen?!

They assaulted him, kidnapped him, disarmed him, stripped him, and probably killed Dexter. Then finally dispose of him. 

These two are psychopaths. 

Claude felt Alucard pat on his shoulder, he flinched at the metal gauntlet, it's frigidness seeped into his thin clothing.

"Claude relax, we just need to confirm something–" 

"No fuck you! Where am I? Why'd you change my clothes!? Where the fuck is Dexter?!" 

Claude was startled when felt Granger lightly slap him with his hands, his jaw now cradled in Granger's bandaged ones. "You're in my house. You peed your clothes so we had to change you. Dexter is in the kitchen pillaging the fridge." 

Claude gaped, one sentence took his attention. "Peed my clothes...?" 

Granger frowned. "I'm not really sure, it's either the holy water or your piss, either way the liquid was warm so both options are open." Granger paused. "It could be sweat too."

"Claude don't worry, we didn't hinder your privacy, Dexter covered your dick with his body while we changed your clothes." Alucard nodded, he seemed to be proud of himself for some reason. 

"Yeah." Granger nodded, apathetic. "Like a living chastity belt."

"Your dick is kinda small if Dexter can cover all of it, you should have it checked Claude." Alucard added on what he thinks is helpful information. 

Claude honestly didn't know what to feel. Embarrassed? Scared? Angry? Violated? Amused? So many emotions, he couldn't keep track of them all. 

"Well let's cut to the chase." Alucard breathed heavily, his face became solemn, and Claude considered it a strange sight to see on the happy go lucky Demon Hunter. 

"You're possessed, Claude." Alucard crossed his arms. He could've been so intimidating if not for those weird words. "We have to exorcise you." 

Claude nodded stiffly, what he was saying doesn't make sense, how does it make sense? It's too ridiculous to consider. Maybe all that time in the church made them lose their minds? 

Granger pushed Alucard aside, his collar was lowered so his mouth was exposed, he had a red rosary on his neck to match his clothes. There was a wooden cross in his right hand and he held a vial of holy water in the other. He raised the cross in the air and peppered Claude's upper body with holy water. 

"Reverend Granger..." Alucard slightly bowed in respect. 

Granger coughed and he stared Claude down. "The spirit of Halpo compels thee!"

Claude was about to laugh at how comical this whole thing was, until his vision blurred and he felt something control his body. 

**"I'LL MM OR I'LL AFK!" **

Claude gasped and pressed his back against the chair, the fuck was that?! 

"That's an A grade demon right there." Granger nodded. "One of the worst ones: The troll. So Bruno wasn't lying after all. But it's not S grade demon like he promised. He can live...for now..." 

Granger sighed and he placed his tools on the table. He drummed his fingers on the table in contemplation. 

"This isn't enough. Alucard, I need a whip, a knife, a noose, a battering ram, and a magazine of silver bullets."

Alucard flicked Granger's ear. 

"Jesus, Granger this an exorcism not an execution!"

Exactly Claude's sentiments, unfortunately Granger was too entrenched in his delusions to hear them. 

"You're underestimating this Alucard, this'll turn to something more uncontrollable if we leave it alone: The cancer."

Granger's words completely captured Alucard's attention. Claude sincerely felt he's knees deep in a cult initiation. 

"You don't talk with the cancer or it will spread. The cancer will feed. The cancer will afk. The cancer will steal everything you fought for. It will swear in languages it doesn't understand. if the cancer gets desperate, it'll start to trash talk, or worse..." Granger lowered his voice. "It will chant '_wkwkwkwkwk_'." 

Granger ended his soliloquy with a despondent frown. "There's a special circle in hell made for the likes of them." 

Claude felt anger coursing his body, he doesn't understand why he's suddenly feeling this pettiness towards Granger and perhaps.. jealousy? Why? If anything he should feel pity for Granger's mental health!

"Don't worry I came prepared." Granger turned around and rummaged for something in his duffel bag. "This strikes fear in a troll's heart." 

Granger wrote something on a piece of paper, the moment he showed the paper to Claude. Claude nearly fainted and his eyes turned white. 

Alucard yelped at the sight. "Holy shit, Granger what did you show Claude–" 

Claude arched his back an a barrage of screams left his mouth. He convulsed in his chair, nearly tearing the leather straps on his arms and legs. Alucard grimaced, abruptly he steadied Claude in his chair, the movements no different from a monkey in heavy confinement. 

Granger grimaced at Claude's reactions, his eyes widened, but his stance showed he was determined to pull this through. He held the paper like it's a lost chapter of the bible and made sure Claude's eyes were looking at it. Thankfully, Alucard got the queue and he gripped Claude's head towards the paper. 

"Read it you trash! READ IT!" Granger hollered. 

**"NOOO!"** Claude screamed. The voice was completely different, there was a static to it that caused the lights of the house to flicker. Claude thrashed in Alucard's hold, it's not enough to restrain Claude like this, so Alucard used the back of the chair and pressed Claude's back against it, but Claude can easily break it in half with how things are going. 

Alucard got curious and he looked at the piece of paper that got the demon inside Claude to manifest. What could've caused this adverse reaction? 

_"You will never reach mythic." _

Alucard's mouth fell open. This was really risky. What was Granger thinking?! 

"Coward!" Granger screamed back. He tsked when Claude looked away. 

"You will never accept the truth!" Granger breathed heavily, unwavering, he let go of the paper and gripped Claude's cheeks. 

"Accept it and you'll be free, idiot." Granger whispered, he can be likened to those deranged preachers that loiter the streets. 

"Granger..." Claude closed his eyes and he bit his mouth, Alucard and Granger held their breaths. 

**"IT'S BECAUSE OF RETARDS LIKE YOU I'M STUCK IN EPIC!!!" **

Granger slapped Claude in the face. 

"Blasphemy! Quit being a whiny bitch!" 

Granger pursed his lips, he made the sign of the cross. He took the bible again from the table and with his other hand he placed the palm on Claude's forehead. 

"Do you confess to all your sins? How many innocents have reported your trashy ways you nab? You have destroyed the win rates of many. You have dragged legends and mythics to terrible lose streaks." Granger shook Claude's head. "Stop this foolishness noob! And you'll reach the rank you yearned for."

Claude crowed, a mocking one, Granger's urge to kill him got stronger. There was no hope for the lost. **"HAHAHAHA! YOU THINK I CARE?! IT'S JUST A GAME!" **

Granger shoved Claude's head against the chair and whacked him with the bible. 

"You should be grateful this is the condensed version, if I used the St John's Bible you'd be in a stroke right now." 

Alucard cradled Claude's head like a child's. He glared at the self-proclaimed priest. 

"Granger calm down! You're hurting him!" 

Claude's face was red from all the screaming and slaps on his face, also red from the anger that emitted from his visage. However, Alucard and Granger knew this wasn't Claude. Claude can be petty but not like this. 

"How can we help you Claude?" Alucard asked, he brushed a hand against Claude's hair. "Dexter would be so lonely..." 

Granger took a deep breath, he swallowed to ease his throat from all the shouting. He sighed then stood up. 

"I don't know what to do then..."

He sauntered away and took a seat in front of the tv. He took a short rest.

"Look if he's still like that, just leave him outside of Dr. Rooney's Lab or something. Screw it. Fuck it."

Agitated, Granger squirmed in his seat, he glanced at Claude again. Claude's eyes weren't even blue anymore, they turned to red, just like his. He grunted, annoyed, he rose from the chair, he left the living room and traversed towards the kitchen. 

Alucard snorted and he stood up to face Claude, granted they don't know each other well, but he hoped he could help Claude in every way he could.

He thought of the most dishonorable method, but surely the demon can listen to this. 

"Hey, whoever you are, listen, our friend Claude has to go the bathroom, you wouldn't want Claude to pee and take a dump while on that chair at the same time don't you?" 

The demon in Claude gaped, the anger faded to a grumpy pout. 

**"But... I'll AFK..." **

Alucard leaned down and patted Claude's shoulder. Like what a father would do for his son. 

"That's okay, even if you're a cancer player, there's always someone 10 times worse than you, so chin up."

Claude smiled, and Alucard smiled back. Things weren't so bad! 

**"So I'm better than you?" **

Oh, Alucard's patience took a deep plunge into a bottomless pit. What a despicably shameless answer! He groaned, this was a lot of work. 

"Don't count on it." Alucard pinched his nose, he was honestly used to killing demons and get it over with. But Granger's method wasn't enough, isn't obvious neither he nor Granger are qualified for this? 

Alucard placed his hands on his hips. "Alright, if you leave Claude's body I'll give you skins." 

**"LIEES!"**

"Am not! Let's pinky swear!" 

Claude hissed, eyes popping out of his sockets, and he pressed his back against the chair, and did his teeth turned into fangs? Alucard's brows pinched at the action, shit, they really need to fix this or it becomes permanent. 

"Come on, what do I gotta do so you can leave Claude alone?" 

**"CARRY ME TO MYTHIC!" **

"Are you crazy?! NO!" Alucard jabbed Claude on the head, and that fist was wearing the gauntlet too, the impact caused a bruise and it covered half of Claude's face. 

**"Just one more game... Just one more game... and I'll get my credit score back"** Claude chanted, unaware of the swelling of his face. Alucard's conscience weighed him down, maybe Granger is right, Claude really is better off dead. 

Distantly Alucard heard heavy footsteps behind him, and the powerful screeches of a monkey. 

"Get out of the way Alucard!" 

"Wha-" 

Alucard ducked in time and he landed on his back, he was dumbfounded on what he saw. Granger carrying a battering ram with Dexter on his shoulder and he headed towards Claude like a runaway train. It was literally moments before disaster when he noticed it.

"Don't report me!" Was all Alucard could hear before the impact.

The battering ram hit Claude's stomach, but since the way Granger hit him was too unsteady, the force wasn't enough turn Claude into a donut. Claude grunted in pain. He closed his eyes and his head was lowered, and... He's not moving anymore. 

The rising panic in Alucard's body reached maximum levels and he gripped locks of his hair. 

"Jesus, fuck, Granger you killed him!"

Granger shrugged and he placed the battering ram on the table. Meanwhile Dexter leaped from his shoulders and landed on Claude's shoulders 

"I shot him with a missile before, he'll be fine."

Alucard slapped his head. "WHEN?!" 

"Don't you get it? I scared the demon shitless so it should've left Claude's body now." 

Claude was still asleep and Dexter was patting his face with a cold compress. The two Demon Hunters heard Claude's moan of pain, and they waited for him to wake up. Yet Granger got antsy, he trudged towards Claude and leaned down towards his ear, he lowered his voice. 

"I donated your cash to PETA." 

Claude instantly woke up at that. He was dazed as he looked at Granger with his blue eyes. 

"Granger? Is that you?" 

"Yeah." 

Claude fumed and spat on his face. 

"Fuck you!" 

Granger pinched Claude's nose. 

"Welcome back, idiot."

Alucard meanwhile hugged Claude to himself. 

"The demon is out, Claude is free!"

"Don't touch me Alufeed!" 

"Christ Almighty, now that's the most cancerous thing I ever heard." Alucard frowned, his bright eyes dulled, he released Claude from his embrace. Granger even made a sign of the cross and recited a short prayer. Bless him. 

"It was a joke!" Claude assured, he frowned at their unchanging expressions. "Come on! Don't be dense!" 

"No, Claude." Granger shook his head. Claude's hopes for freedom plummeted to the floor. 

Alucard nodded, and Claude wanted to cry, he thought Alucard was the sane one! "We have to make sure the Demon is really gone. Okay we'll do the 'Trial by Water', We'll strip you naked and drown you in the pool. If you drown it means you're back to normal." 

"Claude's fine like this, let's push him to the pool while he's in this chair."

"What the... Why am I agreeing to this?" Alucard patted parts of his torso, checking if he was dreaming. 

"I'll recite the Moonton prayer while I'm at it." Granger began to rummage through the duffel bag. "Now where's my novena...?" 

Claude too prayed. Someone, please save him from these freaks.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry it's not nsfw nor smutty :(
> 
> If you recognize The Boondocks reference have a great day 😃


End file.
